Famous words.

I´ve just read the closing part of my guide book and the author shares a quote by one of my favourite spiritual teachers, Marianne Williamson. The words were used in Nelson Mandela´s Freedom speech as well. I could not agree with John Brierly more about appropriate words at this point. So I would like to share that quote here.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn´t serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking,

So that other people won´t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it´s in everyone.

And as we let our Light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

Santiago de Compostela.

Two days ago, on August 26th, I slowly walked into this amazing city. It was the first day on the camino that I was happy to walk slowly. I did not want the jouney to end too quickly and I wanted to have time to process some of the experinces of these past few weeks. Marit and I talked about it the night before and for the first time on the camino I had a strategy. I wanted us to walk in silence. Marit liked the idea, and that´s what we did. Despite a foot that was giving me grief I was able to stay with my thoughts and I had a very peaceful and productive morning. I thought about all the different stages of my trip and all the wonderful people I have met; from the beginning to the end. I thought about the challenges I´ve faced and how I´ve responded to them. And, finally I looked at the amazing web of connections and processes that kept me going through everything and finally got me to this point; about to cross the finish line. And, in style!!! Before I came on this trip there were some concerns about my safety, travelling alone on a trip like this. The truth is; I have felt safer this past month than I have for years. I have felt cared for and supported by fellow pilgrims and friends of the camino, to a point that I never could have dreamed about. Maybe that was part of why I wanted to soak in this last day? The camino has taught me some amazing lessons and when I think about the beautiful way it was orchestrated I can only laugh. It is brilliant!!! I needed to be broken physically and mentally to connect with the emotional part of me. I had it locked up and the key was carefully hidden. In the twelvth hour I managed to connect and it definitely showed me the missing piece in my healing process. But, I had to get out of my own way first. And I had to allow myself to receive support. For a woman whose survival is based on being independent and self reliant that was extremely hard to do. There was a Spanish girl walking with the same problem as me. Her boyfriend was amazing, showing her love in action as he day by day carried her back pack on his chest. I looked at them again while I had my last break of my camino at Monte Gozo, the highest point before Santiago. On this final day another Spanish guy that my Swedish friends had nick named the professor was carrying her bag, giving her boyfriend a much needed break. As they left I was deep in thought; would I be able to accept this kind of support if someone offered it to me? I don´t know, but I doubt it. My "safety" lies in my indpendence, and by accepting the support I would have to admit that I need someone and that I cannot do it by myself. I don´t think I could have accepted an offer like that. But, I also realized that I have moved forward in that direction, because I have allowed Marit and my Swedish friends to support me for the past week. Without their support I would have been hard pressed to endure the last challenges and tribulations and still keep walking. By the time I sat down for my break I could hardly walk. So I used my ammunition; drugs, a massage with Traumeel, and finally lots of Voltareen (an anti-inflammatory cream). A little while later I was good to go. To my surprise the pain never hit me too hard for the last part and I was able to walk into Santiago in a relaxed manner. I was full of gratitude for this amazing journey, all the wonderful people that I have met, and the important lessons I have learned. Also, I was so grateful for the amazing people I have in my life who have sent me emails and comments and cheered me on. It can be hard to know what to say or do for someone like me, but you have all been my strength and support in ways that I could not even dream of. I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am truly blessed and I know it!!!
By the time we arrived in the old town and the cathedral was in front of us I was overwhelmed. It was such an emotional day, where I knew deep down in my soul that I have turned a corner for good. An old part of me really did die on the camino and I am starting a new leaf.
There were some maple leaf trees along the streets on the way in and I was holding a leaf in my hand. It connected me to my home in Canada, and I was acknowledging that Canada did feel like home. An interesting experience on the camino for me was to answer to where I am from. My credential was from Canada while my passport was from Norway. Numerous times they´d ask me what I wanted it to say in the records; Norway or Canada. And I had a hard time deciding, playing with both answers. It would be a hard task to track me in those books if they ever tried... Confusing!!! Maybe a reflection of my own inner confusion of belonging. Neither country was completely right, nor wrong. So here I was on my last day carrying this maple leaf thinking about where I belong. I realized that I belong with my family and friends. And right now home is with my children in Canada, and that is ok. When I saw the cathedral I could not contain myself (nor did I want to) and cried...beautiful tears of joy!!! I had arrived here and I had made it through all my challenges. I did it!!!

This is an important part of my jouney. It feels like I have completed a chapter, with many more to come. I do know that I will be a student of life forever and that is ok. But, this difficult and amazing chapter is over and I can open up to some new aspects of life that I haven´t allowed room for.

Yesterday we went to the pilgrim mass in the Cathedral at noon and it was an amazing personal aspect of my closure. It is quite surreal to hear them list all the people (not by name) who have arrived in Santiago the day before. I was acknowledged as a pilgrim from Canada, and when I heard it I felt something vibrate though my body, as a rush of heat. It was perfect! They even swung the Botafumeiro, the incense burner. It was not the giant one, but that´s ok. We all got to smell the incense and see the famous tradition. It was originally used to fumigate the sweaty (and possibly disease ridden) pilgrims. Now it is a beautiful tradition that to me represents a final cleansing of us pilgrims.

The other most amazing closure happened last night when Gøsta had invited us out for dinner. It was his birthday and he wanted to have a nice evening and celebrate the end of our journey. Marit had hung a carrot in from of me when we walked saying that when we got to Santiago we´d go shopping. She had listened to me complain about how sick I was of my pilgrim clothes, and she wanted to give me something to look forward to. After settling in at our hotel we did go shopping, thank goodness. Our hotel, by the way, is what I call my sanctuary. It is the perfect place to land after a journey like that. It used to be a convent, but has been beautifully restored to this elegant, tranquil hotel. I just love being here!!! Anyway, we ended up at the Parador hotel for dinner; the most amazing evening we could have dreamed of! It was like a fairytale. And we had the best closing of our journeys. We shared our thoughts and celebrated each other. And, the pianist payed "Somewhere over the rainbow" for us. There is a story about that song for us. Emil and I had talked about how much we love that song and I had shared how I had used it to build me up at a very low point in my life. The song became a topic a few times the last couple of days as we tried to remember the lyrics and melody. It even played in the lobby at our hotel the day we arrived...Coincidence...or not...It has a special place in my heart that´s for sure.
Thank you Marit, Emil and Gøsta! I got to be part of something bigger and it means the world to me.

It is almost noon and it is time for me to leave. my taxi will be here in a few minutes and I am happy to say: "I am coming home!!!"

"Who says it is impossible should not disturb those who make it possible."

-Unknown

Almost there!!!

Ok, I finally have access to a decent computer so I want to give a quick update. It is late, and past my bedtime, but since Marit and I are staying in a hotel tonight, I´m off the hook a bit. The last day I wrote I was disillusioned and upset, as I desperately wanted to keep walking, but my pain was a serious concern. It is still a concern, by the way. The second day in Sarria was better and to my surprise my Swedish friends arrived quite early and kept me company. Marit got in early as well and all four of us had a great afternoon and evening together, with picnic lunch and supper together. The albergue was different from most albergues as it offered various nice areas for people to hang out, as well as a good kitchen. The next morning I was walking again, 22.9km to Portomarin. It was a true test in pain endurance and perseverance. But, thanks to my three friends, who encouraged me and kept me company, I made it. Still, I was not sure how many more days I could take of that kind of pain for hours on end. After a shower, some ice and rest I felt better and decided to walk one more day. The next day Marit and I walked 26.1km to Palas De Rei and to my surprise it went quite a bit better than the day before, when I had sent everyone ahead because I was so slow. Two days of walking and I felt encouraged. Yesterday we switched things up and Gosta and walked together, letting Marit and Emil walk on their own, at their normal pace. After 11 hours of walking and slowly making our way we arrived at the destination for the day for Marit and I, Ribadiso. Marit approached us with a grave concern on her face. First of all; we were LATE, leaving her to conclude that I had had a rough day. Second of all; we were half an hour late for the last bed. The albergue was full. So she had called Emil to find out what the availability was where they were staying in Arzua, 3km ahead. He told her that there was plenty of room. So it was an easy decision; keep walking. After twelve hours on the go, with an exhausting day for me, we finally arrived in Arzua at 6pm. My dear friend Gosta was so patient with me and helped me through my toughest day on the camino. I was not only in physical pain, but there were other processes taking place as well. He knew that some of the pain in my foot was not caused by the tendonitis, rather the tendonitis being an expression of it. So, he encouraged me to come face to face with it. At one point he told me that I was not to talk at all for a while and try to listen to my pain, feel it and hear what it was telling me. Intuitively I knew that there was some truth to what he was saying, so I decided to humor him and do it. Before long we arrived at a church where the priest come out and greeted us, inviting us in for a stamp and to see the church. We looked at each other...no talking...and went in. After getting our stamps we went inside the church to take a moment. And that´s when it happened. My foot became excruciatingly painful and all I could do was breathe. After a few minutes Gosta asked me if I was ready to walk, but I could not get a sound out. He understood that something was up and told me that we would stay a moment longer. Before long I felt I was about to faint and had to lie down. I don´t know how long we were there but at one point Gosta asked if he should get me to a hospital. I just shook my head. Finally I was ok enough to get out of there and we walked over to the bar across the street. It was already after 3pm and we had not eaten since breakfast. But, my stomach was weak and all I could do was drink water. Gosta had a well deserved lunch and I had a much needed rest, and a foot massage. Thank you, Gosta!!! While we were there we saw that the closing ceremony for the olympics were on. I have not followed the olympics much, and I don´t understand a thing that is said on TV as everything is in Spanish. But, I was glad the olympics are over and that the final part of my camino is without that distraction. After a long rest we started walking again, but I felt weaker than I´ve ever been this entire month. While we sat at the bar Gosta asked me again if I understood what the pain was all about. He is a healer as well and knew, but was not about to tell me, as this was something I needed to connect with myself. I told him what I had felt and he gave me the biggest smile since we met six days ago. BINGO! I had connected with the source of my pain and it had been a battle with my body that at all costs wanted to keep itself safe, and keep things locked up inside. But, I did it and I knew I had connected to something so deep and painful inside that my body had been prepared to do anything not to connect with that pain. Time to keep walking. I was painfully slow. Suddenly as we came down a hill we saw an old brick building acoss a little creek and Marit sitting outside, waiting. When the albergue was full I knew I needed to keep walking and Gosta knew that I could not stop for too long. I was not strong enough to pick it up again if I did. So, while Marit went inside to pack up her things we started walking again, knowing we had three more kilometres to go and then we´d be able to rest. Marit caught up with us after a while, and together we finished the walk yesterday. For the past 3km Gosta showed me that he´s an expert in distractions. He knew some things about my life and asked every question possible to keep me talking and thinking about positive things. After 12 hours we finally arrived, 29.4km progress. But I was done. I managed to get myself cleaned up as everybody was hungry and needed to eat. We walked down the street to look for an open restaurant, and after a little walk we succeded. Usually the resturants are close and easy to find. But not last night. I was so out of sorts I could not even fathom how I was going to have the strengt to walk back. And, I could not imagine being able to eat. After a little bit I found out why. I ran to the bathroom and purged. My body released some of this physical built up pain that I had connected with. I went back to the table and explained what had happened, excused myself and went back to bed. As crazy as it may seem I was relieved. I had connected to my purpose earlier on in the camino, but I had not realized that the physical and emotional pain needed to be released as well. My physical pain was an invitation for me to go there, and I did. I had one if not the most restful sleeps last night. In contrast, three nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night, my heart physically hurting so bad it felt like is was being squeezed. For two nights I was fewerish and finally last night I rested. My body needed a chance to purge this pain and it did. Today Marit was my loyal and loving companion on the camino. I was hurting, but I managed. And I wanted to get further than the guide suggested as I want a relaxing and short day tomorrow. The first part of the day is alwas better for me and I want to finish without too much pain. So we slowly and steadily walked along and after nine hours we arrived in Lavacolla. We walked about 30km today, and we have less than 10km left to Santiago. I will arrive there as planned on foot tomorrow, even if I have to crawl, which I won´t. We have enough¨"walker´s candy" to help me cross the finish line in style. And we have enough time.

" Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened."

-Helen Keller

Die and become...easier said than done!!!

On Monday morning (August 18th) I took the bus from Ponferrada up to Villafranca to meet my cousin Marit. She had arrived there early in the morning and was waiting at albergue Ave Fenix. As soon as I walked up she came towards me with open arms and a great, big smile. What a beautiful gift to be greeted so warmly. After travelling alone for weeks it is sure nice to feel part of something bigger and be connected to a loved one. We did a quick update and Marit was anxious to get walking, while I was going to stay put and rest. The next morning I would take the shuttle up to O´Cebreiro, where we would hang out together one evening before she continued to walk and I took the bus to Sarria. As she was about to leave we connected with two Swedish guys who heard us speak Norwegian; Gøsta and Emil, a father and son team. We talked with them for a minute, then Marit was off. I continued to visit with them and found out that Gøsta was struggling with his achillies tendons, and was hurting a bit. I told him what I had learned about the injury and let him be the judge, but did offer to massage his sore ancles. He was happy as a larkin and called it Christmas eve. After the treatment we all went out for lunch. As usual we made out way to the plaza Mayor where all the restaurants were. Despite us being "neighbours", Norway and Sweden, we still had to work on understanding each other. I had a feeling that it really is very much the same as Spanish and Italian, having observed my friends Luca and Miguel communicating. But we did ok and had some great conversations. In Villafranca there is a church that has an arch/doorway, where historically pilgrims could come to get pardoned if they were sick and unable to walk all the way to Santiago. After lunch we went to find the 12th century church of Santiago, which houses this famous door, along with a staute of St. James. The door is only open in holy years, so the next time it will be open for pilgrims is in 2010. No pardons for these peregrinos...Before entering the church we decided to have a look at the cemetary. It was amazing, with its grand grave sites in granite and stone. They were family sites, which is different from what I know and just at a much grander scale than I´ve ever seen before. Not knowing enough about the catholic faith, I´m left to wonder which religious purpose/meaning there is behind this tradition. I got a strong sense that there was a definite statement of hierarchy and social status expressed in this peaceful place. Even after your death you are defined by your social status. What does that say? The church was simple, but very beautiful. I feel much more connected in these simple places than I do in the large and grandiose cathedrals. In the simple churces I find it easier to sit down in solitude and have my quiet moments. In the large churches I am impressed and overwhelmed. I do not like spending too much time in those places, while I often crave going back to the peacefulness in these small churches. Back at the albergue we found out that they offered massage, and after inquiring a bit, we managed to get all three of us in. YEAH! Before we had our massages Gøsta told me that he had decided to rest the next day and take the shuttle up with me, not wanting to do more damage to his legs. "So", he said, "want to go for dinner, now that we don´t have to be up so early?". Usually when we walk we go to bed really early so that we are good to get up any time after 5am. Now, we could be the last ones to get up and we should take advantage of it, he said. Great idea! So, just before 10pm, when he was finally done his massage we strolled down to Plaza Mayor again, looking for food. It was late, but in Spain that is no problem and we got our dinner. We shared some food and wine and had a beautiful evening. It was amazing, as we could talk at any level and we undersood each other perfectly. For me that is one of those rare experiences and it felt great. Gøsta made a comment to that fact and said that of course our injuries were blessings. We had had a fantastic day where we had been part of each other´s inner journeys, helping each other with our purposes, to identify and mirror for each other. I could not and did not want to argue, though I still want to walk desperately. It was a perfect day on the camino. On our way back, about 20 metres before the albergue Gøsta said: "Maybe the albergue is locked?" I froze! I had forgotten all about the cardinal rule at the albergues. They lock up at night, usually at 10pm, and now it was 1am. I was worried and could not walk the last few metres fast enough. The gate was locked!!! But for the first time on the camino it was a wooden gate that led into a court yeard, not a solid door, locking the house. We saw some peregrinos sitting inside and got their attention, asking if the could open the gate. Of course not. So we did the only thing possible; we climbed the fence. We were a pretty funny sight as we made our way over this tall wooden fence. But we did it and safely inside we had a good laugh. It felt like being in high school, and coming home after curfew. It is definitely a high lite of my camino, climbing the fence at one in the morning. Yesterday we hung out for a while waiting for the shuttle to bring us up to O´Cebreiro. When we got there Marit was already waiting in line at the Albergue. We had passed Emil on the way up and before long he arrived too. He had run the last part. Talk about being fit! Marit and I had a nice lunch together after settling in and we got to have the Santiago torte for dessert. It is the famous pilgrim dessert, and this was the first time I had had an opportunity to eat in on the camino. It is delicious, by the way. It is a kind of an almond torte. This morning Marit walked with Gøsta and Emil, while I took the bus to Sarria. I will meet Marit here tomorrow, and if I´m lucky I will walk with her the day after. I am praying. My foot was hurting today and I was not in my best frame of mind. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say I was angry and frustrated. I came here to walk, and I cannot walk...In order to make this ok I have to"die and become". I need to let my concept of what I want this camino to be for myself die, so that I can be free to accept and enjoy this new reality for myself. I need to let my ego go too, and today I could not! I know this truth, yet it is so hard to implement. I´m already day dreaming about when I can come back and complete this physical journey in a good way. As much as it is both an inner and an outer journey, I have a hard time accepting that the inner journey is enough right now. I had an idea of what I wanted this journey to be and it is not happening. I set myself up for failure and I am paying the price; hurting emotionally and physically and being jealous of those walking.

Time to rest...

It is Sunday and I am resting my foot. Sunday is traditionally a day off, and what a perfect coincidence that this is my day off too. But, after going to the emergency I realize that today will not be my only day off. I pretty much knew that already, but I just needed to have it confirmed. I have to take several days off. I was told 7 days, but I don´t have that many if I want to get my compostela. And I do. I also want to walk with Marit, so I think my new strategy will be to rest until she arrives in Sarria (4-5 days) and then walk the last part with her. That is a pretty good compromise right now, I think. If my body shuts me down again I will know it is over, but for now I will keep my hopes up.


Yesterday when I arrived at the albergue/bar in Acebo, I ran into this Spanish couple that I have met on and off for quite a while. They asked how I was doing and I told them it was not good. As we talked this Spanish lady, who was sitting right beside us, commented that every time she sees me I´m crying. I was taken aback. She said the last time she saw me I was on the computer in Astorga and I was crying. You bet I was crying! I was reading the most funny and heartwarming message from Maria and my kids. How could I not cry? But I was not crying yesterday. I looked tired and worn. That is different. It bugged me that she made that comment, as if I was some kind of emotional wreck. Maybe that is what I felt like, and she nailed it? And, that is why I did not like her comment? Or, maybe I was upset that I was the only one breaking down? At least to my knowledge...Or maybe I just don´t appreciate people´s ignorance and inconsideration? I judged her, tired as I was I could not be above her and be patient and forgiving. Wrong time and place for that... And I was upset that my body had outplayed my mind, and won. No longer mind over matter.

Being "alone" on the camino has been interesting for many reasons. I can truly say that I have not cared much about other people´s opinion of me, allowing myself to feel whatever I´ve felt and allowed myself just to be. I have been social and made new friends, and I have been alone, feeling the solitude of my journey. And that is what the camino is; a personal journey where the road and the meditative effects of hours and hours of daily walking strip away the defences and distractions and allow us to connect with ourselves, with our hearts. Yesterday I allowed myself to just be and feel the pain as I was physically hurting and coming to terms with the fact that my body was saying "NO" loud and clear. I was upset that this lady intruded with that comment, not seeking to understand, just to comment. I wanted to tell her that at least 80% of all the peregrinos in the room were dealing with the same thing in one form or another; feeling inadequate...just like me. That this is a reality of the human condition, not feeling good enough and covering it up by either minimizing ourselves or over compensating and trying too hard, being too confident. Either way, it does not matter which way we look at it; the underlying condition is still the same-not feeling good enough. And if we are not good enough, then how are we lovable? This is where control becomes a problem. The peregrinos are trying hard in their own way, many by making the journey a race to the finish line; a physical test in endurance. In Estella they said to me that we can walk anywhere, that the road to Santiago is just that; a road. Unless we take the time and connect with ourselves through our hearts, then the camino is meaningless. There is a saying "Die and become" by Johann Volfgang Van Goethe. Let the unhealthy beliefs that restrain and limit us go, so that we can be free and truly live. That means letting go of limiting beliefs such as thinking that we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, athletic enough, and so on. Our thoughts define our reality and learning to love ourselves unconditionally and thereby breaking free of these limiting beliefs become our purpose. The camino is a perfect place for it as it allows us the time and space to go within. When we focus too much on the physical aspects of the journey and not enough on the emotional, then we may miss some of the greatest gifts available to us. Only through love can we succeed.

And now I cannot walk for a bit and I feel that I am missing many beautiful moments to go inside and also to physically challenge myself. And it is hard for me to accept. So tonight I went and sat in the church for a little while, pondering over my new camino reality and listening for some guidance. My thoughts and how I now frame my new reality will define how I remember this journey and it will determine how much I make of it. So it is important for me to make peace with it and find an alternate way to make my time fulfilling. A new challenge.

"Face your path with courage, don´t be scared of people´s criticism. And above all, don´t let yourself get paralyzed by your own criticism." -Paulo Coelho

"A caged bird sings about freedom. A free bird flies." -Unknown

Why I am here.

Why did I come all the way to walk through Northern Spain in search for something in the middle of nowhere? That has been a question I have been asking myself the whole journey. As a matter of fact, I have wondered about this even before I started my journey. But I did trust my instincts and they told me to come. So I did. I said that I was here to walk off the residue of the past years´struggles and embrace the new life that I am creating for myself and my children. But what does that mean?
There is a saying that says "The journey is the destination" (Konfucius) and yesterday I felt it was true for me. I was so happy just to be able to walk, to be outside in nature, moving forward and being present. I was peaceful and content, grateful that I got to experience another day on the camino. And in my slow motion I realized that I have been in survival mode for a really long time and that it is finally over. I do not have to be on guard 24/7 any more and I do not have to struggle all the time. Just like the walking; I have been struggling for most of the camino, with either blisters or the tendonitis, as well as my sprained ancle. But as I was slowly moving along, in a relaxed and harmonious manner I realized that this I what I can do in life too. It is a big leap from how life has been for so many years that even though my mind has grasped this new reality, my heart and body have not caught up. And I have been out of alignment with myself, to the point that I still have sleep problems-physical manifestations of the stress I have been under. Even during our holiday in Norway I had several sleepless nights. My body needs a break, it needs to trust that it is safe so that it can let go and relax. Maybe this is why it is shutting me down now? I have been emotionally overwhelmed every time I´ve received loving kindness from these "strangers" I´ve met along the way. I´m amazed by my own reaction. Every time I´m overcome with emotion and have to work hard to keep my composure, usually not very successful. These people have reminded me of my own inherent value and mirrored my heart´s sorrow. Not because I need to wallow in it, but rather so that I can remember that I am safe and that I can let go. I came here to find peace and to reconnect my body, mind, heart, and soul, reassuring all the different parts of me that the danger is over and that I am safe. I can move forward in life with ease and joy, trusting that life is good. I can again feel joy and laugh, dancing the dance of life. In the peaceful silence in the middle of nowhere I found my answer. It is what the camino allows us; to find something in the middle of nothing. The noice and distractions were removed and I connect with me. My whole being felt this truth and I knew deep inside that everything will be ok.

"Every encounter is an encounter with yourself."

-Unknown

I swallowed the pill.

It´s time for another update. I did walk yesterday from Astorga to Rabanal del Camino, 21.4km. I walked very slowly and I was pain free. It was a great day where I had some beautiful moments with myself anf finally connected to what I really came here to do. I decided to stop in every town along the way and write a little in my journal, that way I would not rush. It worked great! About two thirds of the way I met an Italian lady who has two months to do the camino and is leisurely walking along. She enjoyed my slow pace so we walked the last part together. And in the last town we had a break and a bite. My standard is Spanish "tortillas", which means potato omelette. I´m getting tired of them, but there is no great alternative. While we were sitting there we started talking to two French guys, Christian and Louis, who were also spending two months walking the camino, just doing twice the distance as Steffi. They started in Le Puy in France. Anyway, the good thing was that Christian, who spoke a bit of English, was really funny and he made us laugh so hard. He also understood my problem with my tendonitis and gave me some ibuprofen, 600mgs. Now I have them until the pharmacia opens again tomorrow. Then I can stock up again. We had a nice dinner together all four of us last night, and that was the end of my visit with Steffi, who sleeps in as long as possible every morning and does not walk very far or fast. This morning I saw the guys, and Christian looked like an astronaut in his white rain gear. I wished them bon camino as they walked by and I will not see them again either. That´s the Camino for you...My walk today was not as good as yesterday. First of all it was cold and pouring rain and I was frozen all morning, actually the whole time I walked. My foot was sore from very early on and I knew it meant trouble. I walked like a snail, but today that was not enough. I am glad I did walk though because today I got to Cruz de Ferro, one of the greatest symbols of the pilgrims´way to St James. It is a cross, by which people bring and leave a stone or another symbol of something they are ready to "leave behind". I paused, left my stone and thought about my puspose. I was pleased. It is a simple, but powerful, monument. At one point a bit later I stopped for some tea at this little place in the middle of nowhere where they served cookies and hot drinks. The lady wanted to check my hands and after noticing how cold they were she called a young man over. He spoke a little English and offered to put plastic bags over my hands. He told me it was the best way to keep the water out and the heat in. I was grateful for the offer and took him up on it. I looked pretty funny out there, but it did help and I was warmer. Because I walked so slowly, I could not get my temperature up from the walking. Double trouble! I knew this was not good and decided before I arrived in Acebo that I was done. I had some food (Spanish tortilla, surprise, surprise...) there and then I asked the lady in the bar to call for a taxi. I took it to Ponferrado, where I got a hotel room. After a long, hot shower I felt a little better. I needed to get away from the camino environment to relax and think straight. I don´t know if I will be able to walk any more, but for now I will take tomorrow off. After that it will be a day by day decision. In two days I will meet Marit whom I am supposed to walk the last part with. I would love to be in shape for that, but time will tell. Maybe I will have to come back another time to finish the walk from Leon to Santiago. I have been trying to figure out how to work with the concept mind over matter. There is a fine line between persistence and stupidity. I believe top athleetes are pretty good judges, but I´m not so sure that I am. However, though it was a tough pill to swallow, I do believe that it would have been stupidity for me to keep walking right now.

A quick update.

I have to quick today. It is almost 10pm and bedtime-lights out here at the albergue. I did take a break today and took the bus to Astorga, as I do have a pretty bad case of tendonitis in my right leg. So, I´ve rested today, and right now I´m icing it again. Hopefully I´ll feel good enough to do some walking tomorrow. I do like to walk better than hanging around. I´ve gotten used to the pattern of walking and it suits me better. But, I will see how I feel tomorrow.

Thank you all for your comments!!! They are making my day!

Short and sweet tonight. Will write more soon.

"We might be disappointed whe we fail, but we are lost when we don´t even try."

-Unknown

The camino wins...and it is a wise teacher, whether I like it or not...

Yesteday morning I got up at 5:30am, and by 6 I was walking, with my head lamp on. In this small village without any street or other ouside lights it was pitch black. I was walking behind a Spanish family that I´ve seen on and off since Roncesvalles. We got to the road and had lost the arrows. By now a German woman had joined us, looking for a sign. The group decided to back track to the Albergue, while I decided to find the bar and go from there. The German lady followed me, and soon we had found the markers and were on our way. It was a tough day; one that will be remembered as a painful day on the camino. I kept trying to find something positive to think about the situation as I took one step after the other in agony. I finally could think of two thoughts that helped me; mind over matters and at least I am able to walk. At one point I started singing just to distract myself from my pain. After about five and a half hours I arrived in Manilla de las Mulas, where I made my way to the Albergue. I asked the hospitalero if there was somewhere I coud get some ice for my leg. He asked to have a look at it and I showed him my taped up, swollen leg. He stood up and went behind me where he placed his hands on my shoulders. He said that this is an old problem, that I had had it for quite a while and that it is due to three causes; wrong lacing of my boots (which he demonstrated to me), too fast walking, and not enough water during my walk. "Now you need to walk very slowly, no more fast", he said and demonstrated with his fingers. Ouch!!! My natural stride is fast and this is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I will do it! After a bit he told me to go and take off my tape, let the foot relax a bit in the sun and come back at 6pm for him to give me a treatment. I thanked him and went to find a bed for the night. After a good lunch next door and some rest I was back in his office by 6pm. Just before 6 pm I went to check on my clothes that were drying in the court yard, and to my surprise I found Laureen sitting there, smiling at me. We had a quick chat and she told me they had had some weird excitement since we separated. Instead of their accomodation being this peaceful, tranquil place (which their guide book had said), it had turned out to be more like a ghost town. There were hardly any pilgrims there, maybe six in all. And their accomodation was not clean. Sylvia,who now was aware of the bug issue had seen bugs crawling in the beds the following morning and could not stand being there any longer (and it was only five am). They heard screams from one of the other pilgrims, who was in agony. They just wanted to leave as the place felt weird and somewhat scary, but could not find themselves to walk away without helping the man. After much back and forth they got the man medical help. He himself was not even conscious, but his fellow peregrinos did not leave until they made sure the man was taken care of. To me that speaks volumes of the characters of my fellow peregrinos, including the ones I do not know but who helped him together with my American friends (a German couple and a Spanish guy). Before they left medical personnel came and brought the man to the hospital.

I had dinner last night with my friends and walked with them to Leon this morning. Correction, I walked with Sylvia, as Lauren with her natural quick stride walked ahead. We had a tea along the way amd when we got to the albergue we said our final goodbyes for this time. They are taking the train to Astoria so that they can walk the rest of the way and make it to Santiago by the 23rd, catching their flight back to Paris. Bon Camino Lauren and Sylvia! It has been a pleasure to get to know you!
As for me, I got in line for a bed at the albergue. I had walked the last 1/3 of the way today in agony and was worn. The camino is teaching me a serious lesson and I have not been the smartest student. What I was told last night was similar to what they told me in Estella. I NEED TO SLOW DOWN! The other hospitalero last night said that I looked sad. And she brought up the point of me walking fast. "How is this showing up in your life at home?", she saked me. At this point I was getting annoyed. What with all these comments about me being sad? I knew I was triggered and that there was something here for me to learn, but I was in no mood to learn anything more..at least not at this point. I just wanted to feel better and get a break from all this pain and emotional stuff. If I could have spoken Spanish I would have gone over and joined my fellow peregrinos for some wine, good conversations and laughs. But, this is not my journey, and for a moment I was sick of my serious purpose and wanted to escape it all. But my foot is attached and it is talking to me. And I do need to listen.

"Things don´t change themselves, but we do."
(This is what was written on a card I drew from a deck in the office.)

"It is your thoughts that make you sad or happy, poor or rich."

-Christian Brandstetter

"Your body is your garden and your will is your gardener."

-William Shakespeare

I am learning to tend to my garden in a kind and loving way. And I am aware that I need to connect with the messages it is sending me, otherwise the camino will keep teaching me the hard way. I am tired of learning my lessons this way. It is painful and exhausting.

The ups and downs on the camino.

Ok, I´ll pick up where I had to stop the other night. The hospitalero was on live chat himself and I was keeping him from his fun. He got impatient and told me my time was up. And he was anxiously waiting for me to finish. I felt his eyes at me and he was not happy. That day I made it to Caldadilla de la Cueza, making the walking distance 32.7 km for the day. I was on a mission to make up one last day for the schedule so that I will make it to Santiago by the 26th as planned. And there are not many options for accomodations, so the intervals get to be long. That last part killed my leg. Yesterday morning we walked together, Lauren, Sylvia and I to Sahagun, where I was thinking about staying over. The other two felt fine and were walking on. So we had our lunch and then we went to the pharmacy together. I had told them about the bug problem I had picked up in Castrojeriz, but which I found out about in Fromista. My bed in Castrojerix had been infested with bugs and they had gotten into my sleeping bag as well as bitten me. I felt horribe and was full of bites all over my body. It was the hospitalero in Fromista who informed me that what I thought were insect bites were actually bed bugs. She told me to go to a pharmacy to get products to fix it. This was my first opportunity, two days later. I had not slept very well these last two nights as I was obsessed with these bugs. So we headed into the pharmacy and my two Spanish speaking American friends helped my get my supplies. I was relieved to say it the least. The best part was when the pharmacist answered one of my questions and said the bugs would be killed instantly when I sprayed my bug spray on my bag. Back on the street we said our goodbyes and I sat down, wondering what to do next. After a moment I knew that I was not ready to go to the albergue, because for the most part I felt great and would prefer to keep walking. It was just my leg that was giving me grief. I decided to go to the town square to look for an internet cafe, thinking a little time there would help me. But, no such thing. So I kept walking and within a couple of minutes found myself back at the camino route. Right away I saw the entrance to the second albergue, Hospederia Madres Benedictinas Conventa de Santa Cruz. Without thinking I went over and rang the door bell. A sweet lady in her fifties opened the door and invited me in. She started spaking spanish, asking if I was sleeping there. I said I do not speak spanish, but managed to expain to her that I did not know, but that I thought about maybe waking some more. She uderstood a little English and got what I was saying (I was using body language to explain too). She told me to take off my back pack and come with her. Something had happened to me as I walked through the front door. The place and the woman exuded love and tranquility and I was overcome with emotion. The lady told me to come with her and led me to the court yard, and told me to sit down. She proceeded to offer me tea and brought almonds for me to snack on. She looked at me and said I loooked sad, and she pointed to her face showing tears coming down. Before I knew it tears were rolling down my face and I could not stop them. The nun (I believe she is a nun) came back and saw my tears. She told me that the tears were good. "Cry!", she said. "It is good for you. This is the camino. It moves from your feet up to your heart and then to your head". She kept coming and going, tending to my well-being, stroking my head and kissing my forehead. I had explained to her that my foot was sore and I had shown her the tape, so she told me that I need to talk to my foot; to ask it to work with me. She went away and came back with a statute of what I believe was St.James. She held it by my foot and told me to pray to St.James for help. Again she walked away and came back with a book in her hand; about the camino with maps and practical information. There are two albergues you can make today, but first you must rest, she said, and pointed to the two locations in the book. Then she pointed to her watch and said:"In Spain it is Siesta now and we relax. Maybe later you walk, hmmm." I nodded. She left again and reurned within a couple of minutes. She told me to follow her again and led me to one of the bedrooms, where my stuff was placed already. "You rest for a bit", she said and left. I thanked her and laid down. The bed had a wool blanket on it and I was gratful that I could rest and be warm without having to deal with a sleeping bag full of bugs. For the last two nights the thought of these pesky little things had kept me awake for much of the night so I was sleep deprived. As I settled in I kept crying, not knowing why, I just cried. Even writing about it brings me to tears. WHY? I let the tears roll freely and after a while I relaxed and closed my eyes. i did not sleep the whole time, but by the time I was ready to open my eyes again it was four pm. I had been there for four hours. I knew I needed to keep walking so I put my boots on and got ready. By the way, while I was resting the nun came by and put another blanket on me. The loving care was truly amazing! While I was getting ready the nun came by and introduced me to another hopitalero. She explained to him that I was walking on. We talked a tiny bit and he asked about the weight of my back pack. I told him it was 9kgs, and he pointed his finger, "No,no", he said, "6kgs max". I can´t argue with him, nor am I willing to shed any more of my stuff. So, I´ll just carry on. They walked me to the door and said goodbye with hugs and kisses. Again I was overcome with emotion. I slowly started to walk away, but stopped once they had closed the door and took a picture of the door, just to remember. Then I was on my way again. My foot was aching,but I slowly made it to Bercianos del Real Camino parish hostel, 9.3km away, where I arrived shortly after 6pm. My lucky stars were with me and I ended up in a room by myself , where I was able to take care of my bug problem in peace and quiet. It was a quiet evening for me and despite the communal dinner, it was one spent in solitude. I needed that. My prayers had been answered.

Walking update.

OK, Now it´s time to update my physical progress. I left Belorado a few days back, after staying over night there to tend to my sprained ancle as well as say goodbye to my friend Randi. At dinner that night I asked a spanish guy if he spoke English as I wanted to find out if the tape Randi had gotten me for my ancle was ok. The first guy did not but he called over to group of spanish cyclists if any of them spoke English. One of them got up and told me that he he did. I asked him about the sports tape and he told me it was good. He offered to tape it for me too,and I said that it would be perfect if he could do it the next morning. At 6am sharp he was ready to tape, but only after he prepped it and put sports cream on my leg. The tape job was fantastic!!! It allowed me to walk to Ages, 27.6 km away. It was definitely one of the roughest days on the camino, but with the help of this Spanish peregrino I made it. At times that day I truly wondered why I´m putting myself through all this pain...for what? But, that too did pass. And I hope I am done with days that send me back to turtle pace. They are no fun. That day after showering and doing my laundry I was sitting on my bed fixing my blisters as Ilkka came from the store where he had gotten some more supplies for his feet. He sat down and started doing his thing, and after a bit opened his bag of sterile compresses. There were quite a few of them in there so he threw a few packages over to my bed and told me to take some. I did not think too much of it, though this time the packages were yellow. We are in Spain after all. After a moment Ilkka bursts out "Well, these will NOT do they job." I looked up as he was pulling a feminine pad out of it´s package, holding it up for me to see. I laughed so hard that I could not talk. He went on and gathered the rest and said: "here, you take them!¨
The next day we were out again at a good time, shortly after 6am, and again I had to use my flash lilght to see. I´m getting used to this flash light in the mornings and it has it´s own charm. The leg of the day was to Burgos, but I had told Ilkka the night before that I did not want to sleep in Burgos. He was ok to push a little harder and by the end of the day after visiting Burgos and doing our stuff there (visiting the Cathedral, which is absolutely beautiful, the train station as well as the bus station) we were on our way again. But it was already 3pm and we had spent three hours in the city. By the time we arrived in Rabe de las Calzados we had been walking for over 11 hours (35km). I was exhausted!!! Dinner was served at the local bar by our hospitalero, who took very good care of all the peregrinos who stayed with her. We all sat at a long table and ate together; a bunch of strangers from all over the world. It was nice, but I was quick to head back to our room and crawl into bed. The next day we walked from Rabe to Castrojeriz. It was an ok walk but I could feel the previous day in my legs and feet! This morning I was a bit quick in checking the directions (wearing my head lamp at 6:30 am) and led us astray for about 20minutes before we got back on track. We stayed at a little albergue in Castrojeriz and managed to get lunch at the local hotel just before they stopped serving it. I was relieved, as I was starving and would not have been pleased to have to wait to get anything until after siesta, which supposedly is holy in Castrojeriz. Ilkka and I had a quiet evening as the last few days had taken a toll. Yesterday we left Castrojeriz at 6:30am and walked to Fromista, 25.5km away. We got there early and it was nice to have a long afternoon to relax and recover. But we did go out for a nice lunch at a local restaurant, which served authentic Galician food. I´m glad I tried it, but it does not stand out as something unique. My feet were so sore that it was hard to walk so later I brough a bag and went to the bar and asked for ice. I put my feet on it and iced my feet, top and bottom. It did help as they were much better today. Speaking of today; I walked with Ilkka in the morning to his final destination, had breakfast with him and said goodbye, after five days of walking together. He has been a great travelling companion and we have had some great conversations. But, the best part about Ilkka is that he made me laugh. He has this amazing sense of humour and usually he would say something without a warning, making me laugh so hard that at times I could not walk. I´m sorry to see him leave, but this is the camino; everyone on their own journey. And his was done for now. Meanwhile I had been talking to two American girls last night that were going on. So I did too, another 17km. I have to stop now, my time is up.

Being a "Peregrino".

I have been thinking about what it means to be a pilgrim. Am I finally experienced enough to speak as one? I think I am. I have now almost walked half the way to Santiago and I have experienced both highs and lows along the way, with much more to come. But, the thing about being a¨"peregrino" is that there is a simple but strict structure. Each day is a new adventure. We are out of our accomodation before 7 or 8 at the latest each morning, moving forward to a new destination. There is a plan for where we want to go, but the camino teaches us whether what we think and what we need are aligned. And if they are not, then the camino wins. And it teaches us what we need to know. We walk on roads and trails that we´ve never walked on before and all we have to guide us are the arrows and camino signs, which we sometimes have to look hard for. The routine is simple, yet all our needs are met and we are focused on our purpose. The simplicity of the days are mixed with the physical challenges and our energy is primarily focused on the task at hand; walking and routines to be ready for the next day. Yet there is a peacefulness in this. Life´s other distractions are gone and we are by ourselves and with ourselves, in nature and mostly peaceful settings. Upon the arrival at each destination there is a sense of pride and satisfaction of yet another accomplished goal. We can plan ahead, but because of the physical and mental challenges we live each day in it´s present moment. (If I could only transfer this piece back to my every day life..). There is definitely a lesson here! The only constant in life is change, and there is nowhere this is more obvious than on the camino. Making peace with change and trusting the process and key factors for a peregrino´s success. A peregrino has left all distractions behind and have chosen to take a journey so that he can learn what he needs to learn, be forgiven for what he need forgiveness and finally grow as a human being, from the inside out.

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool

To weep is to risk being called sentimental

To reach out to another is to risk involvment

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss

To love is to risk not being loved in return

To live is to risk dying

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken

Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

The people who risk nothing may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But they cannot learn, feel, change, grow or really live.

Chained by their servitude they are slaves who have forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is truly free.

- William Ward

Why am I doing this.

Ok, today when I was walking for over 27km with a really painful foot, one that at times had me at a crawling speed, the thought crept into my head. I kept thinking of how I would love to be able to enjoy the hot summer weather wearing my fun summer clothes, feeling feminine and sexy, not sweaty, achy and dreadfully unsexy. But, still I want to make it to Santiago. WHY? I´m not sure if I totally undertand it but there is something happening inside of me as I walk and keep reaching a new milestone, day after day. And I experience life by myself and with myself, cleansing my body both physically and emotionally as I sweat and meditate while walking. And it is truly satisfying at the end of the day when I´ve overcome whichever obstacles that have come my way and I´ve reached my destination. The interesting part is how this applies to the rest of my life. When I´ve been moving too fast, I´ve been taught to slow down. Three times this has happened so far, and if I´m distracted I´ve been taught to refocus (Estella). How am I operating in my life at home? Am I mindful in my day to day life,being truly present or am I moving too fast there too, forgetting to truly be? I am thinking about these things too. The camino is here to teach me what I need to know and I try to listen and learn my lessons.

A full heart.

For the past few days since leaving Estella I have been thinking about my experience there and what Jose Mary was trying to tell me; " A full heart, a full camino, an empty heart, an empty camino". What did he truly mean? And what was my lesson here? " You are not here just to walk the camino-to arrive in Santiago. You can walk anywhere. You need to connect with your heart. That´s what the camino is all about", Jose Mary said. Ok, connecting with my heart and filling it up....if I undertand what it truly means I have definitely filled a big part, if not my entire purpose of the camino. So I´ve been pondering these words for the past few days and I am starting to make sense of it. In other words, I think a full heart is a heart that is operating fom love and an empty heart is one operating from fear; from one of the many faces of fear. When we operate from love we refuel our energy, but when we operate from fear we drain our energy. (Worrying is a simple example of how fear drains our energy.) So what will it be? Love or fear? In any given situation we have the power to choose our thoughts and look for the positive aspect of it or lessons to be learned from it, thoughts that leave us feeling good. or at least at peace. A full heart is not always joyful and happy, but rather at peace with reality as it right now, undertanding that there is a universal perfection behind it all. And that is where I believe faith comes in, trusting in the universal laws. It is also the same concept as the laws of attraction and the frequencies of energies. We attract to us the same energy frequencies that we send out. So we can choose what we want; we are the creators of our realities; good or bad, conscious or unconscious. That is why a full heart will create a full camino and an empty heart will create an empty camino. Thoughts become things and I need to choose my thoughts wisely.

Estella....my first Camino lesson.

We arrived in Estella Thursday afternoon and I felt pretty good about managing to stay on track with my walking. After doing our daily routine of showering, getting organized with laundry and a little rest, Ilkka, Randi and I went out for some food. Estella is a beautilful little town with 15,ooo people. After getting a recommendation to go to restaurant Casanova we started looking. First we checked around the main large square, then the smaller suare. Finally we saw the sign in a small street in the middle. Starving we went in, only to be turned away because it was full. It was now about 2:45pm and right in the middle of siesta. So we sat down back outside at the town square for a drink. It was full everywhere and we were starving. Not good! After a while I suggested we go back and check again. Randi was not very optimistic, but humored me, as did Ilkka. When we got into the restaurant again there was ONE table available...for us! And so we got to have a much needed meal at restaurant Casanova. Full and relaxed were were back on the streets again about 1 1/2 hours later, ready for a nap. On the way back to the Albergue we came by a red cross center for pilgrims. They were offering free (donation only) medical help for pilgrims; for all ailments, but with blisters and muscle strains as the majority of concerns. Randi was quick to enter as she was struggling with heat rashes all over her feet and it was a serious concern for her. Ilkka and I thought about it for a moment, wondering if our concerns were "big enough". But, in the end we both sat down and joined Randi in the que. So there we were all three, waiting for some help and reassuringwords that our little ailments were not goingto be a serious preoblem and that we´d be fine to keep on walking. When Randi was finished and ready to go shopping for her drugs, it was my turn and I got to sit down on the bed and explain all my symptoms. I mentioned that I had been truggling a bit with my legs as well as my bllisters, and that did it. "Lay down and lets check things out" was the order. So, my Spanish doctor, Jose Mary, kept asking me questions that the volunteer, Simone fram Brazil, kept translating. I answered to the best of my abilites and before long he looked at me, stopped what he was doing and said " Why are you so sad? Your heart is heavy. You need to rest! You do not walk tomorrow. You stay here and rest, and get a massage." "I would like to give you a massage right now if that is ok by you", he said. Simone said she would set the massage for thenext morning up with Miguel as well. Before I knew it I was on the table and Jose Mary was tending to the sore muscles in my legs. The conversation was very direct and Simone translated beautifully. Jose Mary told me that the Camino was not just about walking. "You can walk anywhere", he said. "You don´t need to go to Santiago to walk. The camino is about going inside and fill your hear. With a full hear the camino will be full, but with an empty hear the camino will be empty". Befoer I knew it tears were coming down my face, gently, but they would not stop. Jose Mary, Simone and Mireia (the other Spanish volunteer) kept stroking my head and kissing my forehead. They gave me the most beautiful gift of tender, loving care and I was literally speechless. I just let myself go and gratefully soaked up this gift that I was given. After about along time (about 1 1/2 hrs.) Jose was happy. He said that I must have my massage (booked for 9am), then go to the local salt water poll to saok my feet, rest and come back and see them the next day. With a promise to stay, a map in my hands and after hugs and kisses from all of them I was back out on the street. I was overwhelmed by the experience and it would take me days to process it all. The next day I did as I was told, but only after saying my goodbyes to my travel friends and having a visit with Stewar and Valerie, who were waiting for the post office to open up. I was doing the same thing because I had decided the night before to lighten my physical load and trust in the camino. I was sending home my underlay and travel pillow. About one kilo to say goodbye to and a commitment to trust that the camino will look after me all the way through. It felt good to wrap up the stuff and send it on its way. We had to leave the Albergue at 7am for them to clean it. So there were were on the bench outsdide chatting away as the other peregrinos were moving along past us, finally quieting down to a peaceful morning moment. Valerie was asking me more about why I was doing the camino. I told her about the divorce and the need to close that chapter of my life, but with peace in my heart. She told me that she was trained in the church to do councelling and asked if it was ok by me if she paryed for me and my children. I said that it would be nice, and before I knew it she was praying out loud, with my hands in hers. Valerie was amazing and expressed my wishes for closure in a beautiful way. Thank you!!! After that we went to find the post office. It did not open until 9:30am so we said our goodbyes for now and I headed back for my massage. When I got back to the red cross Miguel was already waiting, even though I was early. He does not speak English so we did not talk much, but he managed to make a few points to me. The massage was great and Miguel finished it with insence and sound cleansing (he used the bowl). "Rest!!!", he said firmly, and "let the sun warm your body". I left the clininic and went across the bridge again, looking for the post office. It was open and with some welcomed help from a local man who spoke English I successfully managed to send my parcel away. Across the street I found a bank and exchanged some traveller´s cheques. Then I was on my way to find the salt water pool. Before finding it I ended up ata little bar in the park right across from it. However, there was no bridge there so I had to walk around the park to get to it. I decided to take a moment, and had a drink and some treats. As I sat there a song was playing and the lyrics were "I will live again". The symbolism was not lost on me. I sat there for a moment thinking about what was happening inside me and saw the connection. For as long as I was carrying pain in my heart I was not truly living. And I need to heal my pain so thatI can embrace life and truly live. I finished up and went over to the pool, where my feet enjoyed the cold nurturing water for a while and I soaked in the sun. Later, after some fopod and rest II went back to the clinic. Simone saw me and directed me to come straight in, passed all the people waiting. Inside, all four of them, Jose Mary, Miguel, Simone and Mireia all gave me hugs and kisses before asking how my day had been. they smiled and looked at my face saying I looked much better than yesterday. We chatted for a bit, then Jose Mary checked out my legs angain. He said with the help of Simone, who was translating again, that he would like to give me a massage the next morning before I walked again, 8 am at his regular clinic. I was not sure whether to acceptas I had it in my head to get an early start. I had already stayed one day there and was feeling concerned about the distance I had to make up. Again we said our goodbyes andthey showered me with hugs and kisses. Simone gave me their address so I can send them some words and maybe pictures when I get home. After this I was tired and had a quiet evening, pondering what to do the next morning. The camino will give you what you need... I decide to sleep on it.

The next morning I got caught in the walking frenzy, wanting my early start. But before long I was debating withmyself whether this was the right thing to do...eventually chosing to turn around and trusting the camino and the process and accept the gift I was offered. Jose Mary was waiting and he gave me a last treatment for my body and soul. By 10 am I was finally on my way, thanking God for the angels he had sent my way in Estella.

Lots of walking...Estella-Belorado. 123.8 km in 4 days...

Today is day 10, and I have just arrived in Belorado, finishing stage 10 of my trip. Because I stayed an extra day in Estella, which I will say more about in a bit, I have walked alot these last few days to make up for my day off. After Estella I walked to Torres del Rio, 28.9 km away. The last 7.2km I walked in the scorching afternoon sun. And, not paying attention to the fact that the sun was coming from behind I ended up with some red areas...called sunburn!!! But, they were not too bad, and I have learned my lesson. The next day, Monday, August 3rd. I walked from there to Navarette, 33 km away. This is the day I wrote my first blog. I had one mission in Logrono and that was to find an internet cafe, and as you know, I did. But after sitting there for quite a while it was time to get out and walk again. When I started walking it was 1:30pm and on a sign it showed that the temperature was 32 degrees celcius. HOT!!! But, I did not mind trading the peregrinos for the heat. It was nobody walking and despite the weather it was so peaceful that it was worth it. I think I can say that I am now making friends with the heat. After leaving Logrono I caught up with Luca, the friendly Italian from last night. Together we walked the last part to Navarette. We were soaked when we finally arrived, though our walk was very nice and peaceful. So the first thing we did was head into the bar for something to drink; Luca for his coffee (Italian espresso) and water, and me for my lemonade. After getting our bearings we walked next door to the Albergue and got settled in. On the camino there is a simple routine; up early and walk, walk, walk, and when you arrive it is time for unpacking (fast), shower (hopefully some hot water...but definitely not a given), washing clothes (so they can have enough time to dry in the afternoob sun), and then get stretch, relax/sleep for a bit, journalling and finally some food. The lights are out by 10pm and sometimes the doors lock at that time as well. So, bedtime is 10pm for me. It is actually a good routine. That night in Navarette I ate in this resturant in a small hotel, La Carioca, (pilgrim menu) and it was such a delightful surprise. The decor was modern, but with art (photos in black/white) of local architecture. The food was ok, but the service and ambiance were outstanding. They had a big band playing in the village square that night,and the music was amazing. I wanted to dance so badly (nobody was dancing by the way), but my legs could hardly handle me moving to the rhytm. Ouch! Yesterday morning it was up at 5:30am, and for the first time on the Camino I had to use my head lamp to see where I was going. I ended up in a row after a German guy, Patrick (who woke me up), Miguel Angel (fromSpain), and before my friend Luca, who needed to slow down to get going. His feet are killing him first thing, but he picks up speed throughout the morning. With such an early start and quick pace we arrived in Najera, 13.7 km away, before 9 am. We found a bar and sat down for some well-deserved breakfast. During breakfast we discussed each our goals for the day, and came to see that three of us really wanted to make it to Santa Domingo de la Calzada, 24.3km away. Despite blisters and sore legs we were all motivated to have a long walk that day on the Camino. The last guy, Patrick, said he would walk to Azofra. We were soon on our way again, and before long we had made it to Azofra, 8 km down the road. We stopped at the new albergue (only four years old) for a quick rest and some water. There we got our best surprise....a fountain in the middle of the courtyard for us to soak our sore feet in. It was heavely!!! And it did wonders for my blister for the last part of the day. So after the treat we patched our feet up again, put on more sunscreen ( I did learn my lesson) and championed on. We were walking fast and I did not want to slow the guys down. So at one point whenI needed some water I decided to drink while walking (I do that quite a bit). Bad mistake. We were walking on this gravel road with big rocks on it and I had a moment of not paying close attention to where I placed my foot. Before I knew it i was on the ground, with a couple of scrapes and as it would turn out...a sprained ancle (right). The guys helped me up, poured some antiseptic on my scratches and off we went. I was brave, but my right foot was killing me. Finally, by 3:30 in the afternoon we arrived in Santo Domingo de la Calzada. We had walked almost 38km. That´s the most I have ever done in a day, and I survived!!! I was also back on track after my time out in Estella. And, now I know I can do some good distances where I need to. One of the hostels there, Abadia Cisterciense, is operated by the Cisterian nuns. Pay was by donation only. We got a room with three beds only, and I had my best sleep in a while. One thing is for sure, though; I will not forget the ants there. They were crawling everywhere!!! But, all in all it was a very peaceful place to stay. Our Spanish friend, Miguel, picked a restaurant that he was told was supposed to be good. So the three friends for the day went out for a lovely dinner that was in stark contrast to the pilgrim menu. But, it was a nice evening and we had a great time. With five minutes to spare before the doors locked at 10pm we got up to make our way back. The sight of us was hilarious..three stiff and stumbling peregrinos, hardly able to walk. The comedy was not lost on us and we giggled and laughed so hard we could hardly stop. This morning I was a bit sore at the beginning, but soon the bad ancle from my sprain yesterday started aching and it was all I could do today to make it to Belorado. I kept a pretty good pace and it was my nice rhythm that saved me. By the sight of the first Albergue I had had enough. Luca and I were walking together and we quickly went in, got our drinks and asked for ice. To make a long story short, I´m staying here tonight, and so are Randi (who I met this morning at the first bar along the way) and Illka (who I saw last night at the Albergue). This was Randi´s last day of walking to we are having a last dinner together tonight. I said goodbye to Luca, who was doing another 5 km today. His pace is fast and I do not expect to se him again. As I am writing this I am diligently icing my swollen ancle doing everything I can to make it ok for tomorrow. I am planning to walk to St. Juan de Artega, 24.1km away. After this it is blister management again. I have a couple of blisters that are stubbournly resilient and painful....and a few more...life on the Camino...

The beginning of my camino.

This is finally the first entry from my Camino de Santiago. I have been walking for a week now and I´m in Logrono, where I arrived at 10:30am. As I´m doing well today I will keep walking for a few more hours, to Navarette, another 13-14km away. I started in Torres del Rio (20km away) at 6:30 this morning. Life on the Camino...up early and walking before the sun gets to high and the heat start beating down on us. Yesterday I did not get on my way until 10am leaving Estella. It was hot, but everything went well, though my blisters were killing me and I got some sun burh..my first. Blisters are a story of their own on the Camino...I´ve had more than I care to think of and it seems to be a daily blister management. Last night this little local guy saw what I was doing to take care of them and started using every language he could think of to let me know that I was NOT doing the right thing. Before long he had been at the store and bought some antiseptic and was coming back to help me. He sat down, and thanks to this nice Italian peregrino who patiently translated to the best of his abilities, I understood most of what he was explaining to me as he tore off my nice work and started to pour antiseptic on it. It became the entertainment for the peregrinos there for a little while. When he was done I tried to pay him for the bottle but he would have none of it. "You arrivng in Santiago is pay for me", he said.

The first day on the Camino was hard, hard, hard! It was uphill for 18km from St Jean Pied de Port, before we went down to Roncevailles (steep). The total distance that day was 24.4km. I walked with Margaret from Ireland and I can truly say she was a blessing to me, motivating me to keep up a good pace and after 7.5hours of walking we arrived at the legendary Camino hub at 3:30 in the afternoon. My shins were so bad it felt like needles shooting up my legs for every step I took. And, my right hip flexor was toast; I felt like picking up my leg for every step too. Not a good combination!!! As the Pilgrim office did not open until 4pm we sat down outside the bar and had some lemonade. NEVER has lemonade tasted that good!!! Afterwards we went to the pilgrims´office and got our credentials as well as a paying for a bed for the night. Then we lined up outside the well known pilgrim hostel, where we finally got a bed assigned. This was a beautiful building and we were organized in one big room with 120 bunks...and it was full! But, organized as the hospitaleros were it was all set up well, with lights out at 10pm and on again at 6am, with all of us out by 7am. At 6:45 we were on out way again. Margaret felt good, but I felt like an old lady with two sticks who could barely walk. Last night Margaret had helped me ice my shins and I think that saved me. But before long Margaret was far ahead, while I kept reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race. And, to my delight I managed to make it to Zubiri that day and I was still in the "race". Toward the end I had met a Dutch girl, Winnie, who I walked with the last part. She had a reservation at the private Albergue, so I went with her to see if there was space for me. I got the last bed!

Here I ran into my Norwegian "friend" again, Randi from Skjeen. I had briefly met her the night before in Roncevailles, but not spoken with her much. She and Diana from Denmark were staying at the same place, as were Stewart and Valerie from England, whom I would also keep meeting along the way. In Zubiri I had dinner with Randi and Winnie and it turned into this amazing evening where we had such a beautiful connection. The next morning Randi, Diana, Winnie and I set out again at 6:45am for Pamplona. Before long Randi and I had left the other two behind. After waiting for a while we decided to move on. Later I did find out why we lost them (met Dianna in Puenta la Reina). They had gotten off the trail by accident and added about 3km to their hike. That was the last I saw Winnie. I wish her the best. She too is walking to Santiago. Many people are only doing part of the trek, often breaking it up into several portions. Only a smaller portion of us are doing the whole thing. Randi and I kept company to Pamplona where we had lunch together before saying our goodbyes. She was staying there for the night while I marched on to Cizur Menor, another 5.5km down the road. I do not want to spend much time in the cities. I prefer the quieter atmosphere of the smaller old towns. The distance this day was 26.8km. Not bad for an old woman...who was still struggling with some very painful legs. Once I got up the hilll to Cizur Menor I found an Albergue to my left, and walked in. I had a choice; to sleep in the main house or in the church. As I´ve never slept in a church before I decided on the latter.

The next day I left about 7:45 am for Puenta la Reina, 19.6km away, but with a detour of 2.5km to the old historic church in Eunate. It was a good day; one that took me over the final ridges away from the mountainous climate of the pyrenees and into the hotter interior weather. I did well, and got into Puenta la Reina around 2pm, exhausted. In town I saw there were festivities and found out that this was the last nigth of their anuual week-long celebration of St James, who is the patron of Puenta la Reina. The celebrations finished that night with running with the bulls in the streets. I got some amazing pictures and hopefully footage of it. At the Albergue I met a guy, Illka from Finland. We decided to walk the next leg to Estella together. While I was watching the event that night I ran into Randi again. We had a little visit before heading back for some much needed sleep.
Illka and I har a good start and were on our way by 6:30 am. Before long we had caught up with his Spanish friend, Ruben, who walked the rest of the the way with us to Estella, where we got set up at the Albergue. Before long Randi walked in and joined us.