Life's trauma.

On Sunday morning on my way to my coaching course I drove by a scene with quite a few police cars and an EMS vehicle by the road. I slowed down and looked over. The police officers were standing in the park, looking and as I followed their eyes I saw something I will never be able to forget or erase from my mind's eye. In a tree only a few feet away hung a man from a yellow rope, which was secured to the base of the tree and wrapped around another branch for set up. Instantly my body started to shake and I had goose bumps all over. I thought I would settle down, but no such luck. This sight got to me...BIG TIME! For a good reason...who is ever prepared for something like this?! And as I drove on my mind started to spin; who would do something so desperate...this man was well dressed and in his prime years. How sad that he was in such a dark place that he could not see any other solution...or way out. I felt so sad for him, but I also realized that I was angry...at him...for creating so much pain to all those impacted by his death, maybe even children. They have to live with this for the rest of their lives, while he got to check out! Not a very considerate thing to do, but then again, this is just the story I'm making up. All I know is the pain of losing someone I loved and needed in my life and the pain I've experienced from losing her, way to soon for my own liking. My mother died when she was my age now and I was only 19. I was not ready to lose the rock in my life and the pain and grief following her death lasted for a long time. Even to this day there are times where I wish I had her in my corner, unconditionally rooting for me and being there for me through all of life's ups and downs. That would be the healthy ideal picture, but as I know much too well; life is full of surprises and there are no coincidenses, rather a perfect and beautiful weave of events and experiences here for us to play with and grow from. The dance is perfect, but not always happy. And I'm learning to dance in harmony with life rather than arguing with its music. Since that is a game I cannot win, then why play it. So I've learned that surrender is a better approach, though I sometimes fall when I try. But I get back up again and dust myself off and put on my game face, ready once again...to dance the dance of life! It is a beautiful dance. Life is short and I much rather dance than be a wallflower letting the fun of life pass me by. So my new motto is (pardon my language) "fuck it!" Stop worrying and be happy!

"Happiness is to be found along the way, not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it is too late. Today, this hour, this minute is the day, the hour, the minute for each of us to sense the fact that life is good, with all of its trials and troubles, and perhaps more interesting because of them."
-Robert R. Updegraff

Lifting the fog of fear.

A few weeks ago I had another opportunity to do some great work with myself. I have committed to being true to my feelings and not stuff them anymore...easier said than done as this is a lifetime's worth of learning that I'm working on undoing. Reality bites, as it is plain HARD! And I still sometimes choke on my words, afraid of losing control and show the world that I am weak and vulnerable, that I still hurt inside when I tap into my pain. In one exercise I was challenged to ask the group I was working with to ignore me for a period of one hour while we were going for lunch together. At first I was joking and reminding them to step up and ignore me. The natural tendency is to stop and look at someone when we're being talked to, which they did. But before long they all got very good at playing and I got to face my own pain. Oh, what a joy....NOT!!! I did come face to face with my innermost fears and I realized that I've carried this in my body for a very long time, as various images from different times of my life came to me as I sat in my stuff and let my emotions play out. It was interesting, because in addition to being in my pain I was also the observer of it. Two different parts; the ego was in the pain and the soul observed it. It is such an amazing experience; to be the active doer and the observer at the same time. My ego was hurting, while my soul was celebrating. I was healing a part of my soul that had been disconnected and the reconnection was liberating. I truly believe that in order to open our hearts we have to face and let go of our fears. And just peeking at them does not count....no lasting change can be achieved that way. It's the same as reading about an adventure versus going on it. Which one has the most impact? Love is letting go of fear. It is true. After feeling the intense pain in my body on that day, to the point of my abdomen aching, cramping and throbbing so much that despite some heavy doses of advil I could hardly sleep that night, my body shifted. At first my focus had been external, but as I sat in my experience and pain (both physical and emotional) my focus turned inward, and I tapped into the pain of my old experiences, and it was raw. Fortunately, my desire to heal and grow was stronger than my fears and as the dust started to settle I felt lighter. My heart had opened up more...to myself and to the world around me.

After this experience I can honestly say I'm excited for me. I did something very challenging as I played hard and faced some of my greatest pain and took back my own power. The subconscious is so strong that without facing these stored memories they are the drivers in our lives. According to Dr. Bruce Lipton the subconscious is millions of times stronger than our conscious mind so without facing our stuff, our odds for success are pretty slim. Thus the importance of "going there"...where we don't want to go...with ourselves. Lifting the fog of fear is truly liberating!!!

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” -Unknown

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”
-Unknown

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”
-Eleanor Rosevelt

Are you freakin kidding me?

Before the holidays I felt the challenge of pushing through and grow more intensely because I was emotionally raw. As I was driving around and thinking about the stuff that was getting to me a thought kept coming into my mind...over and over again. I was upset as I was thinking about it and I felt the weight of the commitment to being a pilgrim in my life. This is what my inner drama was all about; when someone experiences pain and anger on a regular basis and uses me as a target for its projection, I'm supposed to feel love towards them and find something about them to be grateful for? "Are you freakin kidding me?" And.....the answer is..... "yes!" Bugger! It is the only way to connect with my heart and to heal, without letting my experiences taint my sense of self and the world and thereby not adding more weight to my back pack, but lightening its load instead. Yet, there is the discomfort in me about doing it. What about me? What about the fact that someone violated my rights...to be treated with respect? Am I not supposed to be angry and hurt??? Yes I am!!! And this has been hard for me bacause in my life I've been understanding people to death...at my own expense. It is critical to be allowed to feel what is true for me and not stuff my emotions.....YES, not stuff them!!! That's exactly how people get sick! So I was angry and I felt bad that I could not be compassionate while I was hurt. But there is hope, as I know that I can be angry and forgive at the same time. What I'm forgiving is the person, not the action. And it is still hard to do while I'm so emotional and hurt. "Dear God, this is a tall order, and I keep stumbling as I am doing my best to learn how to become your expression of unconditional love".

This truly is the hardest part for me so far in learning how to be a true pilgrim, and as Martin Luther King Jr. so beautifully speaks of this topic:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness, in a descending spiral of destruction. The chain reaction of evil must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation. "
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.