Are you freakin kidding me?

Before the holidays I felt the challenge of pushing through and grow more intensely because I was emotionally raw. As I was driving around and thinking about the stuff that was getting to me a thought kept coming into my mind...over and over again. I was upset as I was thinking about it and I felt the weight of the commitment to being a pilgrim in my life. This is what my inner drama was all about; when someone experiences pain and anger on a regular basis and uses me as a target for its projection, I'm supposed to feel love towards them and find something about them to be grateful for? "Are you freakin kidding me?" And.....the answer is..... "yes!" Bugger! It is the only way to connect with my heart and to heal, without letting my experiences taint my sense of self and the world and thereby not adding more weight to my back pack, but lightening its load instead. Yet, there is the discomfort in me about doing it. What about me? What about the fact that someone violated my rights...to be treated with respect? Am I not supposed to be angry and hurt??? Yes I am!!! And this has been hard for me bacause in my life I've been understanding people to death...at my own expense. It is critical to be allowed to feel what is true for me and not stuff my emotions.....YES, not stuff them!!! That's exactly how people get sick! So I was angry and I felt bad that I could not be compassionate while I was hurt. But there is hope, as I know that I can be angry and forgive at the same time. What I'm forgiving is the person, not the action. And it is still hard to do while I'm so emotional and hurt. "Dear God, this is a tall order, and I keep stumbling as I am doing my best to learn how to become your expression of unconditional love".

This truly is the hardest part for me so far in learning how to be a true pilgrim, and as Martin Luther King Jr. so beautifully speaks of this topic:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness, in a descending spiral of destruction. The chain reaction of evil must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation. "
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.