Die and become...easier said than done!!!

On Monday morning (August 18th) I took the bus from Ponferrada up to Villafranca to meet my cousin Marit. She had arrived there early in the morning and was waiting at albergue Ave Fenix. As soon as I walked up she came towards me with open arms and a great, big smile. What a beautiful gift to be greeted so warmly. After travelling alone for weeks it is sure nice to feel part of something bigger and be connected to a loved one. We did a quick update and Marit was anxious to get walking, while I was going to stay put and rest. The next morning I would take the shuttle up to O´Cebreiro, where we would hang out together one evening before she continued to walk and I took the bus to Sarria. As she was about to leave we connected with two Swedish guys who heard us speak Norwegian; Gøsta and Emil, a father and son team. We talked with them for a minute, then Marit was off. I continued to visit with them and found out that Gøsta was struggling with his achillies tendons, and was hurting a bit. I told him what I had learned about the injury and let him be the judge, but did offer to massage his sore ancles. He was happy as a larkin and called it Christmas eve. After the treatment we all went out for lunch. As usual we made out way to the plaza Mayor where all the restaurants were. Despite us being "neighbours", Norway and Sweden, we still had to work on understanding each other. I had a feeling that it really is very much the same as Spanish and Italian, having observed my friends Luca and Miguel communicating. But we did ok and had some great conversations. In Villafranca there is a church that has an arch/doorway, where historically pilgrims could come to get pardoned if they were sick and unable to walk all the way to Santiago. After lunch we went to find the 12th century church of Santiago, which houses this famous door, along with a staute of St. James. The door is only open in holy years, so the next time it will be open for pilgrims is in 2010. No pardons for these peregrinos...Before entering the church we decided to have a look at the cemetary. It was amazing, with its grand grave sites in granite and stone. They were family sites, which is different from what I know and just at a much grander scale than I´ve ever seen before. Not knowing enough about the catholic faith, I´m left to wonder which religious purpose/meaning there is behind this tradition. I got a strong sense that there was a definite statement of hierarchy and social status expressed in this peaceful place. Even after your death you are defined by your social status. What does that say? The church was simple, but very beautiful. I feel much more connected in these simple places than I do in the large and grandiose cathedrals. In the simple churces I find it easier to sit down in solitude and have my quiet moments. In the large churches I am impressed and overwhelmed. I do not like spending too much time in those places, while I often crave going back to the peacefulness in these small churches. Back at the albergue we found out that they offered massage, and after inquiring a bit, we managed to get all three of us in. YEAH! Before we had our massages Gøsta told me that he had decided to rest the next day and take the shuttle up with me, not wanting to do more damage to his legs. "So", he said, "want to go for dinner, now that we don´t have to be up so early?". Usually when we walk we go to bed really early so that we are good to get up any time after 5am. Now, we could be the last ones to get up and we should take advantage of it, he said. Great idea! So, just before 10pm, when he was finally done his massage we strolled down to Plaza Mayor again, looking for food. It was late, but in Spain that is no problem and we got our dinner. We shared some food and wine and had a beautiful evening. It was amazing, as we could talk at any level and we undersood each other perfectly. For me that is one of those rare experiences and it felt great. Gøsta made a comment to that fact and said that of course our injuries were blessings. We had had a fantastic day where we had been part of each other´s inner journeys, helping each other with our purposes, to identify and mirror for each other. I could not and did not want to argue, though I still want to walk desperately. It was a perfect day on the camino. On our way back, about 20 metres before the albergue Gøsta said: "Maybe the albergue is locked?" I froze! I had forgotten all about the cardinal rule at the albergues. They lock up at night, usually at 10pm, and now it was 1am. I was worried and could not walk the last few metres fast enough. The gate was locked!!! But for the first time on the camino it was a wooden gate that led into a court yeard, not a solid door, locking the house. We saw some peregrinos sitting inside and got their attention, asking if the could open the gate. Of course not. So we did the only thing possible; we climbed the fence. We were a pretty funny sight as we made our way over this tall wooden fence. But we did it and safely inside we had a good laugh. It felt like being in high school, and coming home after curfew. It is definitely a high lite of my camino, climbing the fence at one in the morning. Yesterday we hung out for a while waiting for the shuttle to bring us up to O´Cebreiro. When we got there Marit was already waiting in line at the Albergue. We had passed Emil on the way up and before long he arrived too. He had run the last part. Talk about being fit! Marit and I had a nice lunch together after settling in and we got to have the Santiago torte for dessert. It is the famous pilgrim dessert, and this was the first time I had had an opportunity to eat in on the camino. It is delicious, by the way. It is a kind of an almond torte. This morning Marit walked with Gøsta and Emil, while I took the bus to Sarria. I will meet Marit here tomorrow, and if I´m lucky I will walk with her the day after. I am praying. My foot was hurting today and I was not in my best frame of mind. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say I was angry and frustrated. I came here to walk, and I cannot walk...In order to make this ok I have to"die and become". I need to let my concept of what I want this camino to be for myself die, so that I can be free to accept and enjoy this new reality for myself. I need to let my ego go too, and today I could not! I know this truth, yet it is so hard to implement. I´m already day dreaming about when I can come back and complete this physical journey in a good way. As much as it is both an inner and an outer journey, I have a hard time accepting that the inner journey is enough right now. I had an idea of what I wanted this journey to be and it is not happening. I set myself up for failure and I am paying the price; hurting emotionally and physically and being jealous of those walking.