Rising above the drama and be!

A few years ago I was doing a workshop in Tucson. At one point we all chose one thing we would commit to change in our lives. I said that I would "RISE ABOVE THE DRAMA OF MY LIFE". That truly is a tall order and easier said than done...But, stubborn as I am; I'm not giving up. Because I have learned that this is the ticket to my freedom. In order to rise above the drama I have to let it go, which means I have to let go of my attachment to my story; the emotional attachment to my history. I need to do the work to heal my emotional wounds so that when I encounter my triggers (and they do keep coming), they don't stick. I thought that I needed to forget my story, but that really is not possible, being human as we are. What it does mean is to release emotional attachment to the past, and to know that the past is now just a story that I keep allowing myself to be trapped by. If I keep remembering the events as things that happened to me or were done to me I allow myself to keep a victim mentality, whereby I give my power away to whomever my story involves. Having lived most of my life being other oriented and taking care of everyone else's needs before my own, I am now learning that taking care of me first starts by owning my past, my experiences-my history. I am taking my power back, learning to love myself by letting go of my past. The emotional weight is like a heavy pack carried on my back, and as I release it I truly feel the weight lifting. There are teachings which say that by healing oneself we also heal past and future generations. It means that I am healing those close to me by letting go of my past-my story; slowly and gently healing myself. Now, that is cool!!! Doing personal work is truly amazing-hard, but so worth the effort.
As I take back my power I learn that I no longer need to justify myself to others or to have other people's approval, sympathy or support in order to be ok with myself, my situation, my decisions and my actions. I, and everyone else too, are good enough, worthy of great things in our lives, not because of what we do, who we know, were we come from, what we look like or what we have, but simply because of who we are-all lovable human beings. This too is work in progress, but hey, I'm ok with that!!!

Remember "BE, DO, HAVE." "Be the change you wish to see in this world" is a great phrase that I keep reminding myself of, and when I want other people to be different, I remind myself that I can start by being different myself. Everything begins and ends with me. If all we focus on is what we do, and not who we are, we may come to the end of our lives wondering how we got there, not having lived according to our inner values and passions. I want to be my own change and look back at my life, proud of my journey. Who we are is and will always be more important than what we do. The journey inward is the hardest and most amazing trip of our lives, and truly the most important one. It will help us get on the right track for us, and that to me is great motivation, as I want to live a vibrant life full of passion and joy!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author unknown, variation of an excerpt from "The Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Neibuhr

Perfectionism.

I've just had a visit with a friend of mine and the topic of perfectionism came up. Having high standards for ourselves is a good thing, but when they are so high that we continually fall short of achieving them and we view our performances in a black/white or right/wrong way, we end up falling short. We're not perfect, nor are our performances perfect! Even more, we will never be perfect, nor achieve perfect result, thus setting ourselves up for "failure" and disappointment. It is a viscious cycle and we'll never win. How do I know? Well, I'm simply speaking from experience. The cool part for me happened when I learned to find perfectionism in every moment and every experience; when the hardest moments became the greatest opportunities/blessings for learning and for beautiful insights into myself because of the emotions that were triggered. Arguing with reality is a losing battle that drains us of our precious energy and leaves us depleted and unhappy. Accepting reality allows us to make peace with what is and focus on things that we can do something about rather than things that are out of our control. It is huge shift, one that helps us take back our power and restore our sense of well being. When did we forgot that doing our best was good enough? And, why do we let other people's standards and opinions override our own? Once we recognize that we choose to do this to ourselves we can do something to change it and take our power back. "Everything I do I do for myself" is a saying with a lot of wisdom. I keep reminding myself of this when I get caught up in my stuff and need to ground myself. Another question I ask myself is "What is in it for me?". These questions help me sift through my stuff and see things for what they are, and thereby help me figure out whether I'm focusing my thoughts and actions on things that serve me or not. With my answers I can again take action to bring myself back on track. Small steps.

Perfectionism has nothing to do with getting it right. It has nothing to do with high standards. Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. ~ Jennifer White

A definition of friendship.

Friendship is the comfort,
the irrepressible comfort of
feeling safe with a person,
having neither to weigh
thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring all, right out
just as they are, chaff and
grain together, certain that
a faithful friendly hand
will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and with a breath of comfort,
blow the rest way.

Small steps!

I am stubborn. I've learned that I feel happy when I am at peace with myself and trust the process. But, it is not easy to stay in this "space" all the time. As a matter of fact; it is hard! The day to day stuff coupled with challenging interperonal issues can pull me off my even keel...and I feel the weight of my history and my own insecurities on my shoulders. My sensitive nature added to the equation and here is the recipe for emotional breakdown...or at least some sad moments and a few tears. When I get to this point my stubbornness kicks in. I know that mental self discipline is the key to getting back to my game. And since I don't like being down it is clear what needs to be done. Time to be my own best friend and give myself the loving support that I offer others; to remind myself that I choose to have my thoughts and thereby also my feelings (ouch!) because of how I CHOOSE to think about things. So I practice mental discipline and frame my thoughts. Sometimes I can turn it around quickly; other times it is like shooting a movie-repetitive attempts (takes) and finally some cut and paste before the final product can be presented, ie. my new thoughts that I know serve me...and everyone else too! Once I'm there I feel better; my peace has been restored and my confidence and feelings of self strengthened. Life is an amazing (and challenging) journey and I do believe that our most important job is to become better versions of ourselves. Small steps!

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." ~ Og Mandino

Rebuilding..my house..and me.

My thoughts are spinning as i sit here in my car while Erik is having his lacrosse practice. I've been reading in my pilgrim guide; learning more about what's ahead on my journey through Spain. And, my thoughts start to wander...my journey; what is it all about? Getting to know myself, becoming my own best friend, making peace with the past; with things that I've done, things done unto me, choices I've made and things out of my control. My life as I knew it is no more and Torill, the old me, is no more. Now the key is rebuilding. After a divorce it is really important to begin fresh; to start all over. I decided to build a house two and a half years ago as I did not know whether I would be able to afford staying in our house after the divorce. The process of building my house became much more than just a practical choice. It ended up being quite symbolic for me; a reflection of me as a person and a physical reflection of my process of creating a new life for myself and my boys. My personality is expressed in the house in ways that reflect what's important to me; building a large kitchen (the heart of the home), light colours throughout and lots of natural light, nice, but with a casual feel, and energy efficient choices for heating and insulation. Working with architects, designers, trades, suppliers and construction supervisors became an opportunity for me to test my capabilities in a professional way. After years of being in the background I was now in the forefront, making every decision in the process. All my successes and failures became a reflection of me and what I was capable of. It may sound strange to some, but true confidence has not been the easiest thing for me to achieve, and at times I've had a quite distorted perception of my own value, talents and skills. Through building this house I've gotten an opportunity to correct some of these misconstrued ideas. Who knew that building a house would become such a critical part in rebuilding my life and my sense of self? I remember telling a friend that I was so happy that I was having great working relationships with all the trades & construction managers. "You sound surprised" she said. I had to admit that this was not an obvious concept for me. Thank goodness for my good friend, because she helped me appreciate my true skills as she said that she was NOT surprised. Other really good friends and family members have shared similar feedback with me. It's just funny when the final comment comes, the truth sinks in and I can finally own my qualities.

Another part the new house played for me was helping me look ahead; get excited about my future and focus on something creative while everything else was completely out of my control. In many ways it represents new beginnings and hope. Having the new house to focus on helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. What a blessing this house has been to me, and we have not even moved in yet!