Rebuilding..my house..and me.

My thoughts are spinning as i sit here in my car while Erik is having his lacrosse practice. I've been reading in my pilgrim guide; learning more about what's ahead on my journey through Spain. And, my thoughts start to wander...my journey; what is it all about? Getting to know myself, becoming my own best friend, making peace with the past; with things that I've done, things done unto me, choices I've made and things out of my control. My life as I knew it is no more and Torill, the old me, is no more. Now the key is rebuilding. After a divorce it is really important to begin fresh; to start all over. I decided to build a house two and a half years ago as I did not know whether I would be able to afford staying in our house after the divorce. The process of building my house became much more than just a practical choice. It ended up being quite symbolic for me; a reflection of me as a person and a physical reflection of my process of creating a new life for myself and my boys. My personality is expressed in the house in ways that reflect what's important to me; building a large kitchen (the heart of the home), light colours throughout and lots of natural light, nice, but with a casual feel, and energy efficient choices for heating and insulation. Working with architects, designers, trades, suppliers and construction supervisors became an opportunity for me to test my capabilities in a professional way. After years of being in the background I was now in the forefront, making every decision in the process. All my successes and failures became a reflection of me and what I was capable of. It may sound strange to some, but true confidence has not been the easiest thing for me to achieve, and at times I've had a quite distorted perception of my own value, talents and skills. Through building this house I've gotten an opportunity to correct some of these misconstrued ideas. Who knew that building a house would become such a critical part in rebuilding my life and my sense of self? I remember telling a friend that I was so happy that I was having great working relationships with all the trades & construction managers. "You sound surprised" she said. I had to admit that this was not an obvious concept for me. Thank goodness for my good friend, because she helped me appreciate my true skills as she said that she was NOT surprised. Other really good friends and family members have shared similar feedback with me. It's just funny when the final comment comes, the truth sinks in and I can finally own my qualities.

Another part the new house played for me was helping me look ahead; get excited about my future and focus on something creative while everything else was completely out of my control. In many ways it represents new beginnings and hope. Having the new house to focus on helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. What a blessing this house has been to me, and we have not even moved in yet!