Today marks the 25th anniversary of my mother Agnethe's death. On March 2nd, 1984 she passed away after complications from her Varicose vein surgery, which had taken place the day before in the hospital in Harstad. The odds for such a surgery to be fatal were 1:200,000, and that day the odds were not in her favour. It was mid afternoon and I was at home cleaning the house for her to come home when my father came up the stairs. I've never before seen him in such a way; his complexion was completely gray and the man looked like he had seen a ghost. He was only 54 at the time but he looked like he was dying. Yet he managed to walk up to me and look me straight in the face before he choked up and with a cracked voice told me that my mom was gone.
That moment marked the official end of my youth and life was never to be the same again. The whole family was devastated as we struggled with intese pain and grief. For years we all had our challenges learning to be ok with our existense without the love and support of our mother and for dad, his wife. We had been the most connected group of siblings and that connection ended up getting tested in the years to follow as we stumbled and screwed up in our ways to heal and move forward. But time is a good healer and we have since learned to take the high road and have "gotten over it", whatever that "it" meant for each of us.
In moving forward and reconnecting with the love and the bond that existed, we are now honouring our mother by being there for one another again and making family a priority. My mother lived these family values and she instilled them in us as she day in and day out prioritized us children and our dad, as well as her sisters and her father. She was my grandfather's baby and treasure, and as I think about her now I finally understand why. She was a loving daugther, wife and mother. Even more, she was down to earth, positive, kind, smart, supportive, forgiving and dedicated to the people in her life and to her commitments. She was not someone who complained about small stuff and she did not get caught up in drama. She was kind and loving to people and it truly showed at her funeral when the church was so full that people had to stand. There were many young people there, which was quite unusual. But it was because my mother and my father had had an open door policy for our friends and they were always welcome at our house. They even knew how to time their visits so that they could get her waffles on Friday and sometimes Saturday afternoons. Our kitchen would sometimes be so full that some of us would sit on the counters or stand behind the chairs. But as long as we could have those hot waffles as they were baked and have fun visiting then all was ok. And people would come and go as some finished and others arrived. It was a very social time at our house and to this day I think about those moments as some of the best memories from home. We truly loved the warmth and comfort my mother created for us. It is something that we could never replace. But, because of her role modeling we have all learned to create warmth in each our homes and I know that we all have embraced family, friends and now our children's friends in our homes. And now my waffles are known and treasured among my friends and my children's friends, and my children are proud of our special food and love our waffles and the social part of sharing them. My mother may be physically dead but she lives through us every day as we now have embraced her values in each our lives.
The other day I asked my dad to tell me about memories of my mom that came to mind. Even though we were half a world away from each other and talking on the phone I could tell my dad was smiling as he started talking. "This is not exactly a story", he said as he went on to share the tradition they had on Sundays in the winters when they used to take us kids cross country skiing and he would bolt to get home while we were still enjoying ourselves with bonfire and hot chocolate, oranges and whatever else my mom had packed for us. "This was my way to help her out", he said, "as I would go home and get dinner started, while she could stay out with you guys". My mother was not a big athlete and definitely not a strong skier, yet she took each of us children out and made sure we all learned how to ski at a young age and continued to support us and share with us the joy of skiing and being active. This a a gift that I never realized the true value of as a child or even as a young adult. But after doing the same with my boys with downhill skiing I understand the true value of the gift my mother gave to us. She taught us all how important it is for us to be active and to be active as a family and spend quality time together. Thank you, mom, for all that you were and for all that you did to help us grow into healthy people with strong values and a passion for life.
An interesting thing for me today is that my mom was my age when she died and in exactly two months to the day I will be the same age that she was when she died. This thought has brought me to tears a few times today. I am accutely aware of the loss my sister experienced, as David is already older than she was when mom died, and I can only imagine how tough it would be for any of my kids to loose me. And, Lisbeth did lose her mom, and I became her "mom". It was tough for me, but even more so, for Lisbeth. She has grown to be a strong and wonderful woman who values her family more than words can describe. Despite the rough start in life she has now made my mother proud with how well she has come through her challenges. I'm 44 now and I feel young, and I remember how I thought my mom was quite old. Interesting, those perceptions...Now I know that she had a lot of life still left in her, yet her time was up. This amplifies the universal truth that all we have is truly just right NOW, so it is important not to waste the only time that truly matters, fretting over small stuff or even playing small. Life is precious and what a waste it would be not to fully live it while we can. If my mom were to give us any advice I believe this would sum it up: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why we call it the present."
Today after school I told the boys what was special about today and we lit a candle that has burned in her honour all day. I shared with them a couple of stories that Helge and Lisbeth told me about mom and they got to know a little more about my mother, their grandmother, a woman that I deeply love and miss to this day. I am grateful for the time that I had her on this planet and I am sad there is so much of my life I cannot share with her. I've accepted this about my life and I truly believe she is with me and all of us in spirit. And that gives me comfort.
Thank you mom, for everything. I love you!
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