The camino after the camino.

Monday was a rough and emotional day. It is a good thing that things do pass and I love the saying "This too shall pass". However, I do think it is important to allow the feelings to be what they are. As a matter of fact, I know it is. I am a pro at stuffing feelings and I know all about how physically and emotionally harmful it is. After my mother passed away when I was 19 it took less than a year for fibromyalgia to take hold in my body and I was completely out of comission. At the time there was limited understanding of the condition and the psychosomatical link was a mystery. Thus, I became a ginnea pig for the doctors and ended up with years of various attempts to improve my health. After five years I moved to Canada, closing the book of a hard period of my life. At least it was a break from the emotional memories and physical challenges I had endured. But, as life would have it I ended up with other challenges and my attempts to heal these brought me to Spain. I am good at stepping up to the plate and doing what I believe is right and sticking to my guts. But I have paid a price for my way of handling the cards that I've been dealt. And, I know my body has paid dearly. While I was walking into Santiago the last day of my camino I made a promise to myself that I would not stuff my feelings any more. More acccurately, I followed the nun's advice (in Sahagun) as I was more directly talking to my foot, promising it not to stuff my feelings as long as it did not give me excruciating paing during those last few kilometers into Santiago. And, it did not! Which was almost short of a miracle at that point, considering I could hardly walk when I arrived at Monte Gozo, about 5km away. So when I felt the intense emotions on Monday I stayed true to my commitment to myself and allowed my feelings to be real. I believe that in order to heal the emotional baggage I'm carrying I need to face it and feel it to be able to heal it. It loses it's power over me when I understand what it is all about and when I don't judge the feelings or try to dismiss them. This is a critical lesson from the camino that I got tested on right away. I hope I passed the test and broke the unhealthy pattern that had become so automatic. It is the continuation of the camino after the camino. I wanted to break unhealthy patterns and this is a step in the right direction.

"Take interest in your life. You're the only one who can make something of it."

-Else Pannek

And as Pema Chodron writes:

"There's a common mistundestanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable....A much more interesting, kind, adventurous and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisition is bitter or sweet....We must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what the world is..."