Time to rest...

It is Sunday and I am resting my foot. Sunday is traditionally a day off, and what a perfect coincidence that this is my day off too. But, after going to the emergency I realize that today will not be my only day off. I pretty much knew that already, but I just needed to have it confirmed. I have to take several days off. I was told 7 days, but I don´t have that many if I want to get my compostela. And I do. I also want to walk with Marit, so I think my new strategy will be to rest until she arrives in Sarria (4-5 days) and then walk the last part with her. That is a pretty good compromise right now, I think. If my body shuts me down again I will know it is over, but for now I will keep my hopes up.


Yesterday when I arrived at the albergue/bar in Acebo, I ran into this Spanish couple that I have met on and off for quite a while. They asked how I was doing and I told them it was not good. As we talked this Spanish lady, who was sitting right beside us, commented that every time she sees me I´m crying. I was taken aback. She said the last time she saw me I was on the computer in Astorga and I was crying. You bet I was crying! I was reading the most funny and heartwarming message from Maria and my kids. How could I not cry? But I was not crying yesterday. I looked tired and worn. That is different. It bugged me that she made that comment, as if I was some kind of emotional wreck. Maybe that is what I felt like, and she nailed it? And, that is why I did not like her comment? Or, maybe I was upset that I was the only one breaking down? At least to my knowledge...Or maybe I just don´t appreciate people´s ignorance and inconsideration? I judged her, tired as I was I could not be above her and be patient and forgiving. Wrong time and place for that... And I was upset that my body had outplayed my mind, and won. No longer mind over matter.

Being "alone" on the camino has been interesting for many reasons. I can truly say that I have not cared much about other people´s opinion of me, allowing myself to feel whatever I´ve felt and allowed myself just to be. I have been social and made new friends, and I have been alone, feeling the solitude of my journey. And that is what the camino is; a personal journey where the road and the meditative effects of hours and hours of daily walking strip away the defences and distractions and allow us to connect with ourselves, with our hearts. Yesterday I allowed myself to just be and feel the pain as I was physically hurting and coming to terms with the fact that my body was saying "NO" loud and clear. I was upset that this lady intruded with that comment, not seeking to understand, just to comment. I wanted to tell her that at least 80% of all the peregrinos in the room were dealing with the same thing in one form or another; feeling inadequate...just like me. That this is a reality of the human condition, not feeling good enough and covering it up by either minimizing ourselves or over compensating and trying too hard, being too confident. Either way, it does not matter which way we look at it; the underlying condition is still the same-not feeling good enough. And if we are not good enough, then how are we lovable? This is where control becomes a problem. The peregrinos are trying hard in their own way, many by making the journey a race to the finish line; a physical test in endurance. In Estella they said to me that we can walk anywhere, that the road to Santiago is just that; a road. Unless we take the time and connect with ourselves through our hearts, then the camino is meaningless. There is a saying "Die and become" by Johann Volfgang Van Goethe. Let the unhealthy beliefs that restrain and limit us go, so that we can be free and truly live. That means letting go of limiting beliefs such as thinking that we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, athletic enough, and so on. Our thoughts define our reality and learning to love ourselves unconditionally and thereby breaking free of these limiting beliefs become our purpose. The camino is a perfect place for it as it allows us the time and space to go within. When we focus too much on the physical aspects of the journey and not enough on the emotional, then we may miss some of the greatest gifts available to us. Only through love can we succeed.

And now I cannot walk for a bit and I feel that I am missing many beautiful moments to go inside and also to physically challenge myself. And it is hard for me to accept. So tonight I went and sat in the church for a little while, pondering over my new camino reality and listening for some guidance. My thoughts and how I now frame my new reality will define how I remember this journey and it will determine how much I make of it. So it is important for me to make peace with it and find an alternate way to make my time fulfilling. A new challenge.

"Face your path with courage, don´t be scared of people´s criticism. And above all, don´t let yourself get paralyzed by your own criticism." -Paulo Coelho

"A caged bird sings about freedom. A free bird flies." -Unknown