Reflections.

I am still in Puente la Reina, but will soon be going to Estella. Plans change quickly on the Camino and I am committed to listening to my body and going with the flow. Thus, I stayed another night at Hotel El Peregrino. It is such an amazing place and I just love it!!! When I evaulated my condition yesterday I decided to listen and take another day off, which by the way now is adding up to three days. Tomorrow I hope to walk though.

Anyway, I want to go back to my birthday, beacause it was amazing! I could not have asked for a better place to celebrate my day, and they even decorated the table with roses and rose petals for me. I cannot remember any time that has ever happened before. With delicious food and great company I had a night to remember. My Canadian friend had walked and caught up with me here and joined me for dinner. It is nice to be able to share these special moments with friends.

A little about his amazing hotel. It has twelve rooms only. It is the perfect place for people to come to get away from the hectic day to day life, but it is stimulating and full of decorations, art, books and furniture. It is a far cry from the current trend of modern minimalism, yet it has played with some modern elements. All the spaces stimulate the senses and I keep thinking that this is where I would come for a getaway with some friends to eat, drink wine and discuss life´s big questions and enjoy other great philosophical conversations. It is a place that encourages the mind to ponder, but also to connect with gratitude as only a priviledged life could bring one to a place like this. This point is not lost on me as I sit and savour my last moments here. Life is good!

As I was celebrating my special day, turning 45 and knowing that my mother never lived to experience this moment for herself, I felt very blessed and grateful. It was a moment I believe she celebrated with me.

I was actually quite emotional as I took stock of my life and thought about where I am at in my life, what has brought me here to this point and what is in the cards ahead. My last Camino was about healing wounds from my past, letting go of old residue, as well as learning ot be my own best friend. This year I am doing the Camino with a different purpose and focus. The past is over, now it is about the present and allowing changes within to embrace and create a future that reflects my dreams and goals.

I have been alone now for five years and I have gotten very good at being self reliant. This is what was needed to get through the challenges I was facing. The catch is that I know how to be alone and I am not good at allowing anyone to get really close to me. Boy do I have some amazing self protection structures. They are so good they even fool me. Yet I do want to move forward and eventually be in a loving relationship. Thus, time for some moments of truth with myself. In order for me to be able to create close connections I need to be able to allow myself to be vulnerable and trust that no matter what happens I am safe. YIKES! As I write this I squirm. It is easy to just be and do things the way I am used to, that way I am in control and "safe". But I know better, there is nothing safe about it. It is only a perception in my mind, and ultimately what holds me back.

I have been focusing most of my energy on being a parent and have not created a career for myself. I know I do create value, but it is not in the traditional sense that society acknowledges and I am not immune to that. I have a desire to make something happen for myself that produces abundance while adding value to people´s lives, thus creating a win win situation. In conventional business this is not a mainstream concept, yet I believe in the long run it is the only sustaining way to do good business. My fears are that I do no have the time, focus, talent or resources needed to succeed and I need to face these fears. I am ok with them being there as long as they do not keep me from pushing ahead and make things happen.

These are some of the big topics on my mind these days. Another thing that happened on my birthday was that I got so many birthday greetings from friends and family that I was completely overwhelmed. So many people remembered, and I can say I understand why so many people like facebook now. Thank you all for those loving messages!!! It is hard when I only have short moments on the computer to answer everyone, but do know that you touched my heart and I am so grateful for your thoughtfulness.

We may be physically alone, but because of our lives and our connections with family and friends we are never alone. I was reminded of this by you all. Thank you!