Why I am here.

Why did I come all the way to walk through Northern Spain in search for something in the middle of nowhere? That has been a question I have been asking myself the whole journey. As a matter of fact, I have wondered about this even before I started my journey. But I did trust my instincts and they told me to come. So I did. I said that I was here to walk off the residue of the past years´struggles and embrace the new life that I am creating for myself and my children. But what does that mean?
There is a saying that says "The journey is the destination" (Konfucius) and yesterday I felt it was true for me. I was so happy just to be able to walk, to be outside in nature, moving forward and being present. I was peaceful and content, grateful that I got to experience another day on the camino. And in my slow motion I realized that I have been in survival mode for a really long time and that it is finally over. I do not have to be on guard 24/7 any more and I do not have to struggle all the time. Just like the walking; I have been struggling for most of the camino, with either blisters or the tendonitis, as well as my sprained ancle. But as I was slowly moving along, in a relaxed and harmonious manner I realized that this I what I can do in life too. It is a big leap from how life has been for so many years that even though my mind has grasped this new reality, my heart and body have not caught up. And I have been out of alignment with myself, to the point that I still have sleep problems-physical manifestations of the stress I have been under. Even during our holiday in Norway I had several sleepless nights. My body needs a break, it needs to trust that it is safe so that it can let go and relax. Maybe this is why it is shutting me down now? I have been emotionally overwhelmed every time I´ve received loving kindness from these "strangers" I´ve met along the way. I´m amazed by my own reaction. Every time I´m overcome with emotion and have to work hard to keep my composure, usually not very successful. These people have reminded me of my own inherent value and mirrored my heart´s sorrow. Not because I need to wallow in it, but rather so that I can remember that I am safe and that I can let go. I came here to find peace and to reconnect my body, mind, heart, and soul, reassuring all the different parts of me that the danger is over and that I am safe. I can move forward in life with ease and joy, trusting that life is good. I can again feel joy and laugh, dancing the dance of life. In the peaceful silence in the middle of nowhere I found my answer. It is what the camino allows us; to find something in the middle of nothing. The noice and distractions were removed and I connect with me. My whole being felt this truth and I knew deep inside that everything will be ok.

"Every encounter is an encounter with yourself."

-Unknown