In reality I had one sleep deprived middle son fighting for attention. Not a good recipe for an enjoyable afternoon at a book store. We had a musical chair situation, only, not everyone wanted to follow the rules, i.e. first come, first serve. After an hour I was spent playing diplomat and police and we went home, only to continue the bickering in the car and into the house. By now I was getting the cold shoulder as well and I reached my limit, showing my less than perfect side as John was sent to his room with plenty of angry outburst coming at him. The truth is, I have little to no tolerance for disrespect, and I deserve their respect as much as they deserve mine. Thus John was in deep...And he knew it. I sat down in the office, taking some deep breaths and calming down while letting John sit in his stuff. I could hear him crying. He is usually pretty tough so this was not normal, and he did not calm down. After a while I walked upstairs to his room. I did not know what to say; no point reminding him. He is a smart kid and knew much too well what the issues were and also what the remedy was. At that moment I realized that none of this was about the behaviour. It was about John's need to feel seen and loved. So I just lay down beside him and cuddled him. Slowly he stopped crying and fell asleep in my arms. I thought about what to do and realized that the best course of action was no action, just be there with my boy. I closed my eyes and fell asleep with him. A while later when we woke up I asked John if he wanted to start over again. He said "yes". Slowly we got up and had a harmonius remainder of our Sunday.
I thought alot about John that day and I was grateful we had been able to rise above the obvious and connect with the core; feeling loved and seen. For a middle child that can be a challenge. And John has been interesting that way since day one. In his first few months on this planet, while i was nursing him, he would not show any signs of being hungry until he was starving and by then had no patience to wait. Boy did that pose a few challenges in those early months. And that was just the beginning. I have come to notice that John often seems to be unaware of his own need for physical and emotional connection with me until he sees his brothers actively seeking and getting it. Then he is already jealous and starts fighting for his own connection. This has been a frequent scenario in our house and the the source of drama between my boys. As I now know what is really going on I have become more proactive, giving John lots of TLC without him asking for it. And it works!!! Not perfect, but a lot better than what was before.
Later on at the dinner table David asked us all to name the best part of our day. I said church as I started the round. John was next; "my nap with mom", he said. I was so happy, yet guilty at the same time. That was actually the best part of my day too. And I had missed connecting with that truth. A couple of days later I brought it up again and told John that it had been the best part of my day too. He smiled at me so beautifully and I just melted, again reminded of the power of love. This time it was his love for me.
In every dispute between parent and child, both cannot be right, but they may be, and usually are, both wrong. It is this situation which gives family life its peculiar hysterical charm.
-Isaac Rosenfeld
Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.
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